its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
