just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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