I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
