The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
