I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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