guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
What drink are we having for lunch?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
