I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
