He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
