btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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