so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
