the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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