DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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