This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
