she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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