I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
