My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
