Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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