I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
