So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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