I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
