I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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