I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
