Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
