But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I am spending my child support on dildos
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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