My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
