Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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