He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
