i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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