It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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