I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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