I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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