Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
We need to get me chipped asap
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
