Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Too much gin, very little bucket
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
