There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Just invented taco cereal.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
