Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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