Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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