You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
