after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
