My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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