I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
