my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
