And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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