WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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