the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
