Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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