look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
