$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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