my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
