I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
