I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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